“My mama used to say .. if you want justice … go to the whore house … if you want to get fucked … go to the court..” – Primal Fear 1996.

HAHA!

I just watched a clip about post-war soldiers .. you know .. the peeps who go to war … some die .. some return home alive .. then some return home with brain trauma or physical injuries … since I belong to the service .. the question hits me .. “Would I ever die for my country? My people?” .. my answer is not just simply yes … bcos I have nothing to lose and everything to gain … the answer’s got to be this way .. “I will fucking die for my mother fuckers.” bcos thats just me ..

the cleaner

Downloaded this new series called the Cleaner. About this bunch of peeps trying to help people get rid of their addictions of any forms. I was quite pessimistic at first … the slow pace at which it went … but man .. the moral behind the story was quite a seat breaker. Perhaps it paralleled the situation I’m currently in. The recent car accident. Sometimes I wonder what kind of lesson I can take out of it .. what kind of wisdom God wished to shine down on me … I dare say .. I see it .. I won’t mention it here .. but all I can say is … it may cost me money but there is priceless enlightenment behind it all …

There are 5 words that are part of every addict’s vernacular … 5 words that come from the darkest place imaginable… But these 5 words don’t admit surrender or defeat … to call it defeat would oversimplify the absolute loss of humanity .. this is it .. the disintegration of the soul .. the point of which the body has no fight left .. When helpless become hopeless and hopeless becomes despair… this is the place every addict eventually gets to … the thought of living our lives without our addiction is unthinkable … even worse is the thought of living our lives with it .. so when we say these 5 words .. it doesn’t come from a place of fear .. it doesn’t come from a place of sadness.. it comes from the core of our soul .. the burning hot center that has begun to go cold .. the place where nothing lives except the truth .. these 5 words so simple … 5 little words .. “I wish I were dead …” – this was his take at first, in the beginning of the show but he soon realized how wrong he was, that out of desperation and pain can we really see the truth.

There are 5 words that are part of every addict’s vernacular … 5 words that come from the darkest place imaginable. But these 5 words don’t admit surrender or defeat. When helpless become hopeless and hopeless becomes despair .. and its out of despair that the addict … has a chance … one chance to finding hope and that is acceptance .. so when we say these 5 words that doesn’t come from a place of fear .. it comes from sadness and from wisdom .. from acceptance .. and trust .. these 5 little words … “I wish I were alive.”

update

FWAH! So young so sweet the voice …

two things i want to mention here..

firstly, my 5.5 mile sea swim. it was a really painful experience … the 1st leg clocked a nifty timing of 1h40min but the 2nd leg took a whopping 3h20min … that’s twice as long … going against current is demoralizing and insane. nevertheless, i truly appreciate the effort put in by the safety crew & swim buddies for making this possible. i’m an instructor you see… and it’s only on a voluntary basis that i managed to get a go at the swim. never did it b4 in class 2 .. or my life .. now i can proudly say … yeah i did it .. =) i’m freaking tired … with blisters at my feet .. but its a really good feeling .. went to dinner (alone again) just now feeling tired but feeling more of myself .. confident .. bumped into several ppl i knew and somehow managed to show my chirpy side again … bless mayzor for the day’s happenings ..

secondly, i want to give a shout out to her. no not the young girl but an old friend of mine i used to have a thing for. hung out with her last weekend and yesterday … made me realize or lets put it this way .. made me remember … the kind of girl i truly want … she makes that young girl i thought i had a thing for … look like a dwarf hamster .. matured … EXTREMELY … whether it be .. life’s shit she’s been through … the kind of dedicated.. PASSIONATE things she does in life … so many great things .. her aura just blows me away … hanging out with her is an enlightening experience itself .. maybe i’m blown away bcos of the values we both share in common .. she’s like a mirror of me but without the penis. sitting down with her … i’m able to just let go of the inner thoughts in my mind … the kind of stuff i only let go to close ppl … to ppl who understand what i’m trying to be .. and its a really comfortable feeling to have someone supporting you .. acknowledging your every word .. it funny really … how .. i can make her out .. she gets shocked i think … that i know .. heh … but alas … she belongs to jesus … she’s going to heaven …. i’m going to hell .. to the peeps in need … i’m coming … we’ll get whipped together .. but we’ll brave it through brother ..

Michael Scott from the Office: ” I once went 28 years without having sex …. and then 7 years again later ..”

I AM SO GOING TO MEET THAT TARGET IN 3 YEARS’ TIME!!!! YEEE HAAARRR!!!  .. and when i do hit that milestone .. i’ll aim for the 40 year old virgin babay!

random thoughts

1) got a new phone .. a sony ericsson g700 .. and the getting used to especially coming from a dedicated 5 year user of Nokia is killing me.. nevertheless i’m adapting .. and it sure feels more than just eye candy..

2) i love my work – i like the night training .. the offs … the physical stuff … woo wee .. the colleagues .. they are funny as well  … but im not going to a prostitude anytime soon ..

3) the girl – don’t think we will become a thing … just too different in terms of values .. other than that .. she’s a kickass friend to hangout with … jokes galore … lame shit and all .. lighthearted easy take on life … i like =)

4) future – wow tough road ahead with ranger and seal course I WILL complete … financially sound plan makes for a calm man .. thats me

5) dating – i really really wanna date a girl man .. not just for sex … that will not happen .. wanna get to know ppl .. but its freakin hard … i wanna push myself beyond the comfort zones like when the first time I asked that girl out …

6) reading – loads of books coming from amazon .. pretty excited =) cant wait to read them ..

7) boardgames – 2nd batch of boardgames heading my way soon .. YEee HeE!

I want sex and love and makeout in park Wooo Weee kiddin la

9) Muay Thai – can’t wat for muay thai training in December … i especially cannot wait to coach some of the peeps .. love that feeling

10) ankle – 90% recovered .. still pretty stiff … but i am definitely going to push myself harder these few weeks .. going to buy more endurox and stuff in down my throat … YEE HEE!

11) I’m satisfied.

making the most of …

this injury has definitely been one of the most painful experiences ever. physically, it is above avg in terms of how it is slowly destroying me. however, it is the mental, spiritual side of it that truly knocks me off robbing me off my zest. at the beginning, i told myself that he has a plan for me, something i will always adhere to no matter what, even if i had cancer and had 30 days to live. however, i did spend much of the time, relishing in whining, moaning my time away. sleepless nights & the inability to get endorphines pumped into my brain proved to be a tricky task in order for me to get the cheerful side of life back into me. its true, its true, i think i have mostly lost. yet, today, even with another sleepless night, something is different. the mindset. thanks to my friends especially. thanks to her small contribution in motivating me. thanks to the card games. thanks to reading and reflecting. most importantly, thanks to letting me witness the wheelchair bound man, with a missing leg. god dammit … how can i ever fucking feel this way. while unhappiness sets in because of a relative comaprison to your own life, i had forgotten about the ability for me to choose comparison amongst other lives. how selfish i was. he has a plan for me indeed. that is to take more time off, and more focus in .. to reflecting. anything is fucking possible if you put your mind to it. i have work to do later in the evening, and i am going to make the most of it. thanks to the man, i will dedicate the rest of my life into … making the most of …

the low

It has arrived. the low. fucked up ankle …. I dunno whats up with it but its cauing me so much pain… every morning … instead of happy thoughts about her … I wake up grabbing the leg in pain .. been to the MO twice but he can’t seem to diagnose anything serious …. but its fucking me up man … I can’t be myself at work or anywhere else with the pain constantly being pumped into my brain .. chemically I’m screwed .. no amount of meditation or conscious thought can keep me from succumbing …

On another note, I think its time for me to give up again? Wah this line alone totally turns me off. Cause I don’t want to give up .. not another failure in my life again .. fuck this shit .. I’m putting this on hold first. I need to find the ++++++++ of life again …. he’s putting me through much torment … I’m going to appreciate my fit body once it comes back … going to train hard .. going to cherish my colleagues and friends … peace out ..

so young …. and chirpy …  so different … and special … you somehow know things wouldn’t work out … but ya still can’t get it off ur mind .. l___ is crazy dude ..