Archive for September, 2007

the mirror awes with misery
September 28, 2007

I woke up late today. Was supposed to hit the roads with the biathlon team. Now I’m scared. In fear of facing another day alone at home again. I’m even down with a slight fever and sore throat. I think its the depression causing all this. The mirror awes with misery.

Then I look into the news. I see the plight of Burma’s people. Then I log on to youtube. I see the plight of poverty & child labour. Then I read my human rights readings. And I see the plight-est of plights. How selfish of me to indulge in self-misery.

Some people say to always do something to keep your mind distracted from all this. There’s a tinge of negative perspective in there. But what the hell …. I think this phase is long overdue. Time to be a man! And do the right thing! I’m really desperate now ..

The thoughts of suicide
September 27, 2007

Why not? I woke up in the morning and took a drive out to the post office. Been wanting to get a smaller size for my mma (sexy underwear) shorts. Damn sexy sia, like pampers. So ok, that’s the goal for the morning. And it hits me again. So what after that? Back to my essay papers, my readings? Back to my Hotel California, my Twilight Zone? We are all just prisoners here in our own device. I cannot find the meaning… I don’t see why I should carry on. This feeling hits me like a light at the end of the tunnel only to realize that its a freight train comin’ my way. Whether in secondary school, in junior college, in NS … and even now, I cannot escape this cycle. Why not die and just let it be done? I don’t wish for sympathy here. I never wished for any! Don’t get me wrong. I like to investigate my true feelings in this world. I don’t live the channel 8 drama life. As cliche as it may sound, I wish only to seek the truth. At the end of the day, I carry myself around with only myself intact. And this, I am very proud of. So yeah, back to the point. I feel like dying.

“You should make amends with you, if only for better health. And if you really want to live, why not try and make yourself? And if I fuck me, I’ll fuck me in my own way.” – Incubus

Something about the eyes..
September 26, 2007

I know I’m heading in for a long night despite running my lungs out early in the morning. I know I won’t be sleeping early tonight. Can’t quite get to work, the emptiness is filling in once again. I seem to be one exclusive dick. I can’t seem to hang around anybody these days. You know even with a grand invitation to join the X group Clique, I refuse. Something about their sense of humour, something about the way they carry themselves around. The thing is I guess they are innocently fucked up? …. Or I guess I’m the one. What is it with 8/10 ppl being sucky in this world? Maybe I’m the one huh …. but I hate an unsincere laugh … or smile … or conversation. I hate it. I hate inpurity… I hate it when deep down inside I know that fellow is someone who ought to go on a fuckin’ long journey of reflection. I hate it when people make misfits … I hate it when ppl hurries for mainstream pleasure in fear of losing out on the race. Cock-suckers are not misfits. Misfits are not cock-suckers. I cannot hang around them. My emotions are trapped in a glass of expectations derived from the many. So I refuse. I eat alone, study alone, everything alone. Why is it I drive myself through such self-torture. Is it time I gave a wink back to those gals who give me the secret peeps…?

You know what makes this blog amazing. The fact that its a one-way talk and I can say *almost* anything I want to say. The fact I know someone out there is reading. I’ve got nobody less my cat who is always sleeping. And its my only outlet to say to you why I act the way I act. And if anyone’s wondering why “something about the eyes”, well, its regarding her eyes. Its fucking amazing, and it keeps me going. (not about love)

I wish I could be a UFC fighter..
September 23, 2007

I picked up Muay Thai during my student exchange programme in Canada. (Heh… fancy learning an Asian martial arts in the West) Immediately, I was hooked. Maybe part of its regime consisted of stuff that I would do back home. The push-ups, crunches, etc were like bread and butter back in my NS days. Kicking was exactly like volleying a ball in soccer. The hardest part was learning the boxing techniques, stance, defence, stuff I’d never experienced before. When I came back to S’pore, I was pretty sure I wanted to continue with my training but time constraints made it very difficult as I was always busy working with the fleet. Eventually, my friend told me about the possibility of establishing an NUS Muay Thai Club. Without a 2nd thought, I opted in. The best part of it was the possibility of an IVP tournament amongst SMU, NTU and NUS. For me, this is the part that keeps me going. I ain’t exactly the best person I can be as a biathlete. I acknowledge my vast room for improvement. However, I need this. I really want to test myself and see whether I have the guts to compete in a face to face combat sport. I am a monster when it comes to doing sea circuits or running up and down the flanks in soccer. But there are so many things out there that I ain’t a monster in and fighting, literally, definitely ranks up there in the list.
Recently, I acquired 2 books. One from BJ Penn and another from Jens Pulver. Pulver’s book was more of an autobiography that talked much about his horrid past. Penn’s, on the other hand, was full of MMA techniques. When I say MMA, it means mixed martial arts. This means taking all kinds of disciplines together and conjuring out the best possible one. I’ve finished Pulver’s book and its kind of a sob story which I’d learn a thing or two only. I guess its something really personal and he just wanted to send a message out. As for BJ, only 4 pages into his introduction (the only part where he talks about himself) and I was blown away. I guess I am startled because I never thought such stuff would be running through is head. Everyone’s bragging about him being a pound for pound fighter, more of talent than determination, he has pretty much been there, done that and the stuff he mentioned in those 4 pages took me a 180 degrees turn of my impression on him. Unlike Pulver, who usually brags about his fights, Penn focuses more on his losses. So much so, he acknowledges his defeats through a lens of opportunity for better learning. Take Lyoto Machida for example. He was 230 pounder. Penn was a 170. That my friends, is a vast difference, a heavyweight vs a welterweight. He doesn’t care about losing. He cares about what he can take from each and every one of his fights. Fighting Lyoto taught him much about taking on an opponent way bigger than him. The loss against St Pierre, he acknowledges his lack of cardiovascular workout, and that Pierre had played the correct MMA game, by scoring takedowns and keeping busy on the ground. For me the loss which he acknowledges was his fault rather than unluckiness, the one against Matt Hughes, is the cream of the crop. The first 2 rounds was dominated by Penn but upon creeping onto the back of Hughes late in the 2nd round, he broke his rib bone. The pain was too overwhelming and many ppl thought Hughes has outwrestled him in the 3rd or Penn’s cardio was not in shape. This was not the case. He broke his rib bone. Any other average Joe would use this as an easy excuse. Right? …. Wrong. The lesson took out from this fight, was that when aiming to be a top MMA fighter, one cannot start training only when the fight nears. Your whole life, your whole time here, every single day, one must focus on being the best fighter he can be. Penn was in good cardio condition on that day, but he wasn’t in good physical condition. Its just like running for a marathon. You want to win it, you got to simply clock your distance day in day out. Penn only trained only 6 months before the fight, he acknowledged he simply should have trained everyday. This is a philosophy, I totally relate to.

Little Wing
September 20, 2007

When I first heard Jimi Hendrix sing this, I was like “Damn that Nigger sure is somethang’!”. Then when I heard the Corrs do it, I was like “Damn those Wallaces sure are somethang’!”.

How UNIVERSAL is the Universal Declaration of Human Rights?
September 19, 2007

What the hell am I doing in this class. The tutor is biased in his own beliefs, there is no room for discussion. A seminar with no room for discussion is a coercion of ideas. Bullshit man. How can the nation that propagates righteous human rights be at the same time the maker of the world’s most violence? Human rights and economic prospertiy doesn’t seem to mix. It seems set that the true determinants of what is universal in human rights come into the hands of the powerful, money-rich. There is some kind of moral revolution after the World War II, when the UDHR was set up but its direction that is taking can perhaps become beneficial to certain actors. There is this interview conducted with LKY regarding human rights and I take my hats off to this guy … he thinks its a partial load of hegemonic bullcrap.

On the drug problems and the way the West deals with it vs Singapore’s. Now, I would have thought this kind of approach would be quite an effective way to deal with the terrible drug problem you have. But the idea of the inviolability of the individual has been turned into dogma. And yet nobody minds when the army goes and captures the president of another state and brings him to Florida and puts him in jail. I find that incomprehensible. And in any case this approach will not solve America’s drug problem. Whereas with Singapore’s way, we may not solve it, but we will lessen it considerably, as we have done.” – Fareed Zakaria in Conversation with LKY

A whole load of thoughts but just to highlight the main ones. Anyway, the video above really is a shot in the foot for the police department, authority and more importantly the democracy (right to free speech) that the Americans so very believe in. Hello, Statue of Liberty, nice promotional regime you’re running as well =)

Perk me up, them Perkers.
September 18, 2007

Dashboard by Modest Mouse. One of the many perk me up songs. Something about its poetic lyrics man …

“Well, the car was on blocks but I was already where I want.”

“I was patiently erasing and recording the wrong episodes
After you had proved my point wrong
It wasn’t like I’d let it go
I just wanted to catch the last laugh of this show.”

“Oh, the dashboard melted, but we still have the radio.”

“Well, you told me about nowhere, well, it sounds like someplace I’d like to go” <– this one reminds me of my mum asking me where for Dinner Haha..

“Well, the windshield was broken but I love the fresh air, y’know

MARCUS DID I DO THIS?
September 16, 2007

Ok la I know mine doesn’t come as close to this but I have to say after putting the ball at the back of the net, I was quite shocked myself. Cheong ar Dua Lim Gong Lai Liao .. Thursday Study ar. Eh you coming for Sat? Lack of players man got put the poll. And can you put in your contact in the Database.

The Universe so Vast
September 15, 2007

Man this video sure speaks a good point about us and the ‘infinite?’ universe out there. We’re just small pecks in this gigantic space. I remember being in that Interfaith seminar and that old angmoh lady spending almost an hour elaborating this point to us, that we cannot take for granted the vast possibilities out there. HA! religion again … We had to use it to suppress the vastness out there huh, that scary black space. Just an easy way out? I think sometimes its fine we ‘live in our worlds’, cause we’d really go insane if we didn’t. But then there’s that thin red line we gotta remember, that we must acknowledge and be aware of the various possibilities.

Let me leave you with the wise, pessimistically enlightening, alternative band I really like, Modest Mouse from the album, ‘We were dead before the ship even sank’.

“We’ve got everything! So I guess we know everything!”

What was I thinking?
September 14, 2007

What was I thinking when I mentioned how hormones control us making it part and parcel of life? Today I digged into my human rights readings and boy was I filled with disappointment, anger and sadness. Rape. would. be. everywhere. if. uncontrolled. Where do I start? The text never seemed to stop, showing endless examples of men raping women, boys, girls, kids, babies …. Cause we’re a tad bit stronger naturally huh … our morality must be controlled … otherwise we cannot find meaning … true satisfaction.

“Without radical international intervention, the world’s poorest states are likely to remain trapped in a cycle of civil war and near-zero economic growth for decades.” – Collier